Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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