I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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