I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
