I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
