he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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