found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
