yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
