now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
whose parrot is this?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
this is an emotional support booty call
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
