Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
