i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
