I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
