explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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