Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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