i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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