you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
