also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
