yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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