idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Terrible idea I love it
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
