I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
