My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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