If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
