she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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