Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
