then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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