We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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