If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
