At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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