wrigley field is MILF paradise
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Randomize