I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
