I'm so fucking centered right now
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize