I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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