you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i came on her dog
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
