last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
