Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
