I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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