There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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