I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
