my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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