I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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