Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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