My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
