Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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