Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
