So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
