Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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