i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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