Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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