ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Randomize
