My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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