My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
