Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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