Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
