so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
