now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
