Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't deserve a penis
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
