I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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